Drop The Baby Weight

“..take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ….” (2nd Corinthians 10:5)

I can’t remember exactly how this verse in 2nd Corinthians crossed my path last week, but I’ve been thinking about it ever since. The context is spiritual warfare, and I’ve always thought of this in what I call “high and mighty” terms, regarding the pitched battle between the church and the evil powers of Satan and sin. But I don’t think I’m over-reaching if I apply it in a more humble way to my own daily walk as a Christian. 

Anyone who’s lived with depression for any length of time knows how insidious it is. There’s a uniform grayness to your life, punctuated by a ray of light here and there that keeps you going — a wedding, the birth of a child, a long-looked-for event, a surprise visit by a dear friend. And yet even in joyful moments it’s easy to feel as if you’re walking on the edge of a cliff, with a chasm at your feet, just waiting for you to stumble on a stone or root and pitch headlong into it.

Sometimes it’s the smallest and most mundane roots that reach out to grab my ankles. A baby who won’t stop crying. A snappish morning with my husband. My worries about family members and their own struggles. A desperate attempt to get out the door on time that keeps getting foiled by one thing or another. [Poopy diaper, or snare of Satan? Discuss.] One thought leads to another hopeless thought, spiraling out of control until my entire life seems unprofitable and useless, worthy only to be labeled with a sign reading “Why bother?”

Therapy often helps people get back on track, but what about the days when you don’t have a trained guide back up to the path? Therapy helped me see that it’s nearly always that one difficult moment that triggers a stream of self-hating thoughts. This was a landmark moment for me. But recognizing the problem is one thing; solving it is another — I’ve been trying to stop the cycle for years, with varying success. But this week, “taking captive every thought” leaped out at me. It’s about as far away as you can get from the phrase “helpless spiraling out of control.” 

And it’s given me a new prayer, especially in those 4am wakeup moments. Not just “God, please help me” or even “Please give me rest.” But now, “Take these thoughts and hold them captive, Lord.” It’s a subtle shift. Maybe to a non-Christian it seems passive — and yet we do have one responsiblity, that of handing over. It is we who must first lay hold of these insidious thoughts and in turn give them to the One who can bear all our burdens. Who promises to give us rest. 

I’m writing this just before bedtime, and I think I can promise that this won’t ever be a rote prayer for me. It will never not be needed. Depression is something I think I’ll live with forever, but I’m thankful that another Life is able to be lived out in me. Handing over my anxieties, my fears, my burdens to be taken captive — it works for me.

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