With my next pregnancy (with Toot), things were difficult. I was one of those people who threw up all the time, every day, for 9 full months. I could hardly leave the house. I’d walk into Publix and could smell the lettuce in the opposite corner of the store and throw up. Or (shudder) the cantaloupe rind! It wasn’t the usual suspects that got me going, like the fish department. For some reason the produce section was worse. And in case that wasn’t bad enough: I’d throw up so violently that I’d wet my pants. Just about every time. It didnt’ matter if my bladder was empty — the force was so strong, it would happen no matter what. Loads of fun. Because throwing up in public isn’t bad enough.
The hormones threw me into a deep depression, so deep that medication and therapy didn’t make a dent. I spent my days either throwing up or willing myself not to throw myself off a bridge. I fantasized continually about dying and “freeing” my husband to marry a better woman who could parent our daughter the way she needed. I’d sit in church and look at friends and think “she’d be a great wife for him, she’s so much better than I am at everything.” (Never mind that some of these women were married — it was krazy sense to me.)
Somewhere around 6 months in, something just… broke inside. I found myself in the library parking lot arguing with my husband, and I punched him in the stomach. (Anyone who knows us thinks this is supremely funny, since he’s the nicest guy ever and I’m just not an arguing kind of person.) I started crying hysterically and saying “I want to go home, I just want to die, take me home.” So we drove home. I cried and cried. I really did want to die. And I couldn’t make sense of it — wasn’t depression supposed to happen *after* a baby came? What was wrong with me?
Long story short, 2 things saved me: I signed up with the Emory Clinic for a longterm study on maternal-fetal anxiety and depression, giving me access to some wonderful doctors who could help me manage the depression. They also prescribed Zofran, an anti-nausea medication originally for chemo patients. I was still anxious and depressed but it was manageable. I was able to get off the couch and actually host a large Thanksgiving dinner! (Although I did end up in the hospital a few days later for preterm labor.) The last couple of months were the usual 3rd-trimester difficulties: getting up a zillion times during the night to pee, difficulties sleeping, and a big belly that kept getting in the way. Like, I went to brunch and parked my minivan and then got stuck getting out of it because the parking spaces were too tight. Stuff like that.
What surprised me was how little information there is about antenatal depression. Thank goodness for Brooke Shields and other celebs like Gwyneth Paltrow who have confessed to PPD. But not enough is told about other forms of depression surrounding pregnancy. So I’m not sure exactly what really worked for me here — should I say “Zofran worked for me!” or “enrolling in a study localized in my city worked for me”…? Maybe it’s as simple as sharing my story. I wish I’d known of anyone else with the same problem, so that instead of going quietly crazy alone I could have surfaced long enough to get help earlier in my pregnancy. It’s not easy to find resources for antenatal depression, so if you have some good ones, please share in the comments. Helping each other out — it works for me.
For more Works For Me Wednesday ideas, visit Shannon at Rocks In My Dryer.
Thank you so much for writing about your experience.
I have battled depression since I was a teenager and am terrified of how my brain will react when we finally do get pregnant. I am grateful that my doctors will be monitoring me, but the anxiety is hard to calm down.
Hi jendeis,
I have a family history of depression and yet with my first pregnancy I felt fine! Sick but not too sick, so that I was able to exercise (mostly swim). I was still working and so I had that “watercooler effect” of being around others that can help stave off loneliness and the depression that comes with it. Exercise and nutrition make a huge difference in depression of any kind, and were things that were neglected in my 2nd pregnancy — I was so nauseated that it was all I could do to order takeout, and the lack of exercise (and work) left me feeling lethargic and depressed in general.
The good thing is that many depression medications are Class B — generally considered safe for pregnancy. B is about as safe as it gets, since you can’t really test pregnant women and babies, you can just observe. I think someone told me that milk qualifies as a class B agent, if that helps! And one doc said that there are only a few class A drugs — some thyroid meds, and prenatal vitamins.
I would STRONGLY encourage women who are on the fence about taking Zofran/Ondansetron or antidepressants to just go ahead and do it. They’re both life-changing, and once I started taking Zofran it changed everything.
Here is my take: optimize things so that you don’t feel isolated and have a good support system (family, friends, etc). Try to work ahead to give yourself the option, if possible, of taking extended leave, working from home, or quitting your job if you want (we lived off one income for a couple of years to get used to the idea). Get involved with church or your institution of choice so that you’ll have a built-in base of moms to help you out. Get a hobby or new career that you can further from home once your baby is a bit older. (I switched careers to become a WAHM/writer when my first was about 6 months old).
And lastly: learn to take care of yourself. My family tends to be incredibly neglectful of personal health — overweight, out of shape, and generally medicating themselves with caffeine. So I’m teaching myself to incorporate exercise and eat better, just for me and my own little family. Do what you can, and get your doctor and support system to help with the rest. And don’t borrow trouble from the future — you may be just fine.